Runespoor Spinoff Parody
by Tinkering
Summary: OOC! Second Yr. It's time for Harry to have the talk. So he goes to seek guidance...WARNING! This is ridiculous to the extreme! You may get stitches, have laughing fits and be carted off to an institution. We hold no blame.


**DISCARDED IDEAS**

**_AN: So me and Becca #Lady Treason, and btw that thing she pinned on me about her dumping stories is totally a lie# were planning Harry's 'bird and the bees' talk for Runespoor since she realized the stick thing wasn't a wand…we came up with this…._**

Harry shifted uncomfortably in Headmaster Dumbledore's office and waited for the man to tell him to speak. When the nod of encouragement finally came, he sat back in his chair and then got right into the problem. "Yeah. So I woke up this morning, see? Writhing on my sheets, and I don't usually do that. I was really hot and my snake is telling me something about mating...it told me to go talk to you..."

To say that Professor Dumbledore looked decidedly uncomfortable would most certainly have been an understatement. He opened and closed his mouth several times before he gave something of a smirk, his eyes twinkling brightly. "Well, ah, Harry you know as Severus is your head of house..."

So Harry marched down the stairs again...clump clump clump (_You get the picture, this was done on YIM you know :p_)

Then he comes to Professor Snape's rooms and dutifully knocked on the door before shoving his hands in his pockets.

"Potter!" Snape tugged open his office door and glared at him for a minute before he pointed Harry in and then prodded him over to the chair. "Sit!"

"Thank you Sir." Harry said as he does the properly-cowed act.

"So what do you want Potter?" Snape leans over his desk with a sneer and waits.

"Headmaster Dumbledore sent me to you Sir. Umm, I have to ask you about…mating."

Snape's eyes widened and he leant back suddenly in disbelif. "_Mating!"_

"Yes sir. You see..." And so Harry went and told the tale of his morning once more, speaking slowly now in case they weren't able to understand him. "...And when I woke up my hand was down my pants...umm around my...weewee thing and...umm...it was dirty. And my snake made fun of me and told me something about how I needed a mate...so sir...umm...can you tell me where I can find one?"

Snape was, understandable, quite frozen and quite nearly catatonic in his chair as he stared at him, blinking. "You know Mr. Potter... Professor Dumbledore knows more about these things than I do... lived longer and all that ...why don't you..."

"But sir...he sent me to you! I tried to talk to him…" Harry said irritably and regretfully, looking up at him with wide eyes. Why couldn't they just point him to his mate? It couldn't be _that_ hard.

Snape muttered something about 'old bastards' under his breath while he rubbed his temples wearily. "Why don't you go speak to … Professor McGonagall! She's rather well versed on these things... I'm sure she's crossed a few tomcat's in her time." He paused then and smirked evilly. "Go talk to her."

And so Harry marched up the stairs again...clump clump clump

Then he came to stop in the staffroom. To his luck, he found Professor McGonagall there with Flitwick and Lockhart, and they didn't look too busy. (_I was going to set his puberty in second year_)

"Professor McGonagall? Professor Snape just sent me up to you to talk about...umm...the tabbies and the tomcats.." He said and then cleared his throat meaningfully.

"Mr. Potter! I, great adventurer that I am know alllll about tabbies and tomcats! Though they are rather FAAAR down my requisite animal-fighting skills. I can answer your questions!" Professor Lockhart interrupted quickly as he gave Harry a toothy grin.

"Really Professor? That'd be great! I don't think Professor Snape could help me. He looked kind of weird after I explained it to him...anyway...so this morning..."

And so Harry proceeded to tell the whole story about his morning all over again. Lockhart soon started to look on in horror as he finally realized…

"Umm, I have somewhere to be going." Flitwick squeaked and scurried out as soon as Harry got to the 'clutching his weewee part'

"Yes Gilderoy... I think I'll let you handle this... one with credentials such as you can handle the... birds and the bees talk." Minerva said and then almost smirked at him as she also made her exist rather quickly.

"N-now...now, err colleagues! Don't leave me hereeeee!"

Harry continued. "So where was I? So how can I find a mate? And what's this white stuff? And why does my weewee get hard and feel good...and this hair thing...is hair supposed to be growing there? Professor? Professor LOCKHART!" he shouted and then watched as Lockhart fainted at his feet.

"Gee, great! Well...who am I supposed to go to now?"

Harry was about to go to Professor McGonagall's office to finish the talk with her...when he remembered Hagrid. As such an animal buff he should know _all_ about them. Satisfied with his, Harry nodded and took off.

And so he marched down the stairs once more...clump clump clump

When he came to Hagrid's hut, he knocked on the door loudly.

"HAGRIIIIID!"

Hagrid opened the door and then looked down at him. "Well 'ello 'arry! Long time no see!"

"Yeah." Harry replied with a grin and then stepped inside. "I need to talk to you urgently."

"Sit, sit." So Harry sat.

"See...I went to Professor Dumbledore and he sent me to Professor Snape who then sent me to Professor McGonagall…" By now Hagrid was miffed. "And I ended up talking to Professor Lockhart who fainted!..." Harry spews out before taking a deep breath. "So, I need you to give me the mating/tabby and tomcat/ birds and the bees talk." And Harry then waited patiently.

Good ol' loyal Hagrid...can't turn his back on the boy he loves, (_not like that you gutter-minded welp_!) and stuttered into 'the talk'.

"What do you know so far 'arry?"

Harry looked at the ceiling, thinking. "Well your weewee spews out stuff…not peepee. White stuff. That's about it." Hagrid blushed deeply.

"Well...err...see," Hagrid gestures wildly. "When a mommy dragon and a daddy dragon...err, _love_ each other..." Harry looked at Hagrid in confusion. "They get together." Hagrid got up to get himself a tankard of mead and drank two of them before sitting back down with his third. "So, daddy dragon…uses his…_weewee thing_, when it's hard…" Hagrid cleared his throat. "And he err, gives it to mommy dragon."

Harry frowned deeply. "He gives it to her? Does it come off!" With a look of fear, Harry crossed his legs. Hagrid groaned and threw back the mead getting up for three more before sitting back down with his seventh. He's on his way to being drunk now.

"'ell 'arry..." Hagrid hicced "You see...when the...thing gets hard you gotta..." he waved a hand. "Poke the fire...if you know what I mean..."

Harry scratched his head. "Umm... no I don't."

Hagrid sighs. "Alrigh'." Hagrid stood up and patted the stool he had just been sitting on. "Pretend you are the daddy dragon 'arry...when your THING gets hard you...find a mommy dragon and get behind 'er..." Hagrid straddled the stool. "spread her legs...and ride her. Get it now?"

Harry shot up with a scream of fear and ran out.

CLUMP CLUMP CLUMP!

He hid in a small alcove off the Great Hall and shuddered in fear.

Along comes Professor Snape.

"Potter?"

Harry cringed. "Professor! You gotta lock me up! I might attack someone!"

"What?" Professor Snape sneered with amusement.

So Harry tells Professor Snape what Hagrid told him, watching as the man got paler and paler until…

"I think I'll go back to my chambers and drink some firewhiskey… a lot of firewhiskey." The man murmured and then he turned and walked away leaving Harry huddled in the shadows.

* * *

OF COURSE...this was just a joke...lol


End file.
